[Bargaining] Day 6: 0230H, 062408. Wait for sleep (but it will never come)*
July 2, 2008Why did you have to decide to end the relationship? I know the final nail in the coffin was the long distance of sorts. Physically, 10, 20-ish kilometers is nothing - a couple of rides, an hour’s wage worth of fare, the time to take a nice bath. It was our worlds that were so far away. It was fuckin’ hard for both of us - you and me living in different worlds with the rarest of common schedules; me being quite a penniless bum with a bum thesis, you in a job that’s eating you away one day at a time. But it’s not as if the situation was permanent. I will be able to finally pass this thesis, graduate, find a better job; you’ll move on to a (hopefully) better job with a decent schedule, finish your thesis, then practice your love for the sciences. Was it too much to ask you to hold on just a wee litle longer?
Then again, I’m not exactly that great a guy to wait for. Even now, I still don’t get what you saw in me - a dense, rather not-so-good-not-so-bad-on-everything, wishy-washy, never-did-look-good, [insert other adjectives here] person.
~*~*~*
There’s actually a rather obvious solution to my questions on what to do from now on, even if it opens up a new can of old self-doubts for me to pick and masticate on - what would make you happy the most? If we were to give ‘us’ another try, will that make you happy? Or is a world without me in the equation even happier for you? Heck, will I be able to make YOU happy enough that you would reconsider staying with me? Will you be happy in a relationship with me, given our present albeit temporary circumstances? That - your happiness - IS be my primary concern. No sense forcing my way in if i’d just make things worse right? Then again, is there something worse than the shit that I/you/we are in right now?
I should ask you that when we meet - what would make you really happy?
I’m going to try sleeping, but i’m not betting on it. If ever i do manage to get some sleep, chances are i’ll be crying while sleeping. Here’s to hoping no one notices.
I love you. I miss you so much.
(A/N: * - from a Dream Theater song. I guess you can imagine how big the panda rings are and how addled one’s mind is if one is sleepless for almost a week now.)
